She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.
She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.
You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.
It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.
Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs —- she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.
She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.
(via email, 2001)
Politics are hilarious. This guy needs to learn what he’s talking about.
In a local restaurant my server had on a “Obama 08” tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference—just imagine the coincidence. When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need—the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I’ve decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient needed money more. I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. -Author Unknown
the waiter was right to be mad; it’s the GOVERNMENT’s job to take away my money and re-distribute it, according to their legendary efficiency
by: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
3. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
We religious people should take #4 to heart
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Michael Caine, how I adore thee.
Conan O’brien used to do this recurring segment called “Celebrity Secrets.” I think I am the only person who liked it. All they did on Celebrity Secrets was put a celebrity in a dark basement with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cigarette and have the celebrity tell “secrets” from their past. It looked like this:
Here are some of my favorite Celebrity Secrets:
- Michael Caine: I was convinced that the ‘MC’ in MC Hammer’s name stood for Michael Caine. When I found out it didn’t I destroyed his career.”
- Willie Nelson: “I’m happy about being a solo artist, but part of me wishes I’d never been kicked out of Devo.”
- David Bowie: “Sometimes when I’m at a McDonald’s, I wait until nobody is looking, and then I stick my heand inside the straw dispenser and touch all the straws.”
- Tom Hanks: At the 1998 oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said, ‘looks like we’re a couple of peeing Toms.’ His angry silence is something I’ll never forget.”
But my all time favorite installment was with Slash, from Gun’s n Roses:
- “I got the name Slash because I used to work in a grocery store and I was in charge of reducing prices for really big sales.”
- “Someone once asked me what I liked better - kittens or puppies. And I said, “it’s a tie, man.” The guy said, “too close to call?’ I said, ‘No, man, too cute to call.”
- “My original nickname was ‘Splash’ because I loved that movie so much.”
i LOVE Conan O’Brien’s Secrets sketches